zynverwex's Xanga

if my iPod does it...

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 04:52:56 GMT

i went running last week. only for twenty five minutes, because that's all i had. i'd been working all day on homework, and was being rewarded that night with going to a dance w/ a friend of mine. in between i chose to run.

i was listening to my mp3 player, as i often do... and i realized how absolutely contradictory it is. first, i listened to a song by good charlotte that said "i don't wanna be in love," next came, "i want to fall in love tonight," and so on and so forth. it's kind of funny, you know, to have all of these songs playing in my ear. no wonder people are confused all the time. we have so many different messages flying at us from all sides.

now i'm listening to one that really makes sense, and is helping me to see clearer:
"all i want is You, Jesus."

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 04:19:28 GMT

i like options.

when i eat dinner i don't just eat a sandwich and call it good. nope. i usually have a little lettuce topped w/ veggies and a little salad dressing, along with some cheezits, and maybe a couple of wheat thins. throw in a few grapes, part of a grilled chicken breast, maybe a bite of shredded cheese and a few scraps of ham. while digging through the fridge for these things i'll usually take a swig of some clearly canadian, or milk, or both. i like sunflower seeds, so i usually add them to any meal. and sliced almonds. i like those a lot, too. after my random meal is over, i try to talk myself out of dessert, but always end up eating a few m&ms [or more than a few], and then a roommate will offer me some of their sweet treat of which i gladly partake. when i go out to eat i feel very limited. i'm required to either order one item, or spend a fortune getting a little of this and a little of that. it's horribly constricting.

i think i'm that way w/ life, too. i'd prefer to enroll in two of the exact same class [only at different times] so that i can reserve a spot in both and choose the best time later. i'm afraid to throw too much of myself into a friendship [girl or guy] because i want to leave an out for myself. that way, if the sunflower seeds don't taste good to me that day, or they turn out to be rotten, i can quickly go for the almonds because i hadn't fully committed myself.

yet, there are a select group of people who i have thrown myself into, and yes, many times the sunflower seeds just weren't good for me. i remember when i was about twelve, my very best friend changed churches and found a new group of friends. all of a sudden i was out of the picture. of course there have been other times when i felt that someone would be my bff, and things changed, and my heart got the brunt of it.

i don't believe that i have a naive heart, but i will say that i have a very trusting one. i want to believe what people tell me. i hope to always find the best in them. and at 22, i'll admit that i'm scared. it's my nature to trust, and that leads to getting hurt easily. i don't really know what to do about it. i don't want to stop believing in people, but i'm not sure how much more hurt my heart can take. and i still have a long life to go. what do i do? put up walls so that no one can touch me or hurt me again? that's not living.

i guess i'll just continue on as i am and try to figure this life out. and my tear ducts will get a good workout in the process. thankfully i know the One who can mend a broken heart, i just wish it wasn't so often in need of it.

a not so great day.

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 04:36:19 GMT

sometimes i have premonitions that days are going to be bad.
you know how that is?
you wake up a few minutes late.
then you're a few minutes late getting out the door.
walk into your first class of the semester about a minute late.
your professor decides not to make a syllabus day, but instead keep you the entire class period.
you walk across campus to get your new ID and realize you don't have your old one with you.
you realize in your exhausted state the night before you'd turned your phone off completey and had missed your roommate callling you to let her in after she arrived in town from 8 hours away.

usually when i have a day start like this i just decide that it's going to be a good day, and i change my mindset. then it becomes a good day. i just make it so. but today after i went in to work, my cellphone (which hardly ever rings during work) began vibrating like crazy. eventually i took the time to listen to my voicemail. "chandler, call me right away," dad said on the phone. i flipped out and called him right there from the window i was working. dad quickly filled me so as not to scare me further. but the news didn't help much. one of my second cousins had passed away on sunday, and they had found him today.

from there i lost it. my day had made it from bad to horrible. my heart just began to break as i thought about his parents and his aunt (my grandma) and his sister and my brother who were all so close to him. it's kinda hard to cry it all out when your sitting up front at a window serving customers. but i think i did a pretty good job of it.

i know that as a Christian i shouldn't fear death. and i don't. but i hate it. i probably shouldn't hate it or fear it. yet. once a person is gone, they're gone. and all of the things you wanted to tell them and all of the good times, all of the bad times, all of the things that make up that person are gone. and there is no return. the ache arrives in my heart, and the memories are all i have.

i have good memories, though. like when i was less than ten years old and he was in his early thirties and i loved him. i was too young to understand what him being my cousin meant. i loved him with my whole heart [for at least one night in my life that i can remember so vividly. haha. oh man].

and this summer, i often saw his stamp of approval on documents that were brought into our office. and i proudly declared to anyone who was within listening range that that was my cousin's name stamped right there. and i would tell them all about him. i was going to tell him that, too. but i hadn't yet. now i can't.

he was smart. and kind. and caring.

and i can't believe he's gone. it just doesn't make sense.

you know when a bad moment actually turns into a bad day? it's days like today that i am reminded how great family and friends are. i was able to spend some quality time with my grandma, aunt, and a few cousins. bad days bring people together. and most of the time my bad days aren't really so bad. usually i shake my shoulders and move on. but today's gonna take just a little longer to shake. i'm going to allow myself today to be considered a bad day. the tears were deserved. my exhaustion is valid. i'm still waiting for it to sink in.

at least i'm starting to find my job humerous.

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 02:06:42 GMT

[btw, if you didn't notice, yesterday's title never actually ends]

today as i interviewed a woman at a desk up front i realized that my chair was a little high for the desk. someone else had been using that desk earlier in the day and must have liked to be sitting up really tall. however, i felt that i was looking down across the desk at the woman, so i continued to talk to her but began to feel around for the lever that lowers the chair. after sliding my hands up under the bottom of my chair on both sides i finally hit the protruding black answer to my search. i grasped it, and lightly pulled. *whoooooosh*
my chair instantly dropped six inches out from underneath me. the woman who i had been looking down upon now tilted her chin down to find the person she'd been looking at just seconds before. the completely shocked expression on her face matched that of my own. and, not really knowing what else to do, i began to laugh. hard. thankfully, the woman joined in laughing with me. we collected ourselves [and i raised my chair back up... what was i thinking? it had been at a great height!], and continued the interview right where we left off.

thus continues the "just because chandler has a grown up job does not mean she's grown up"

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 03:31:27 GMT

when being handed the office phone list i was strictly instructed: "do not hand out the administrative phone number to anyone. use the business line or your personal extension."

when i found a note from my supervisor on my desk a few days later, saying that someone had returned my call on the admin number, i realized that i'd gotten to the two numbers confused on a form letter i'd been sending out. i corrected that error immediately.

when my boss found me two days ago to tell me someone was on the line for me, that they had called the admin number, and that i was never to give out that number, i was confused. i hadn't in weeks! but this person had obviously used it; which pointed toward an error in my general direction. the sleuth in me took over, to clear my name. i discovered that my desk phone rang on the other end with the admin number. thus, if i called someone and they just pushed "callback," it would go straight to the admin line. however, i didn't realize this until after i'd gotten this message [which was a return call from earlier in the day] from my supervisor today:

"hey chandler, your daddy's on the phone. he's here to pick you up whenever you're ready."

Monday, July 07, 2008

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 03:33:15 GMT

the moment i was told "this is your desk" i knew i wouldn't like it for several reasons.
a] it is a separate desk, not in a row with anyone else. to have a decent convo [where i can see the other person] i have to raise my eye level about 4 inches.
b] there are no real walls, only half walls. everyone who walks by or has a desk near me can hear and see every word i say and every move i make.
c] my back is to practically the entire office. anyone can walk up behind me and stand there and i would never know it if they didn't make a sound.

i'm not saying that i do anything at my desk that shouldn't be seen by others. i'm just saying that i have absolutely no privacy. the fact that i check my email on breaks, and eat turkey lunchmeat for lunch and a banana for a snack is open information for the office. thankfully, my first embarrassing moment at my desk didn't happen until this last week.

it was thursday [the day before the 4th, the day before my day off] and i did not feel good. i'd had a sore throat since tuesday, and things were going from bad to worse. i was trying to stick it out until the end of the day, especially since i didn't have a ride home until dad was done with work. it was getting to the point that i just wanted to sit down and have a good cry. so i called dad to see if we could leave a little early. i was hunkered down over my phone and whispering into the earpeice so the rest of the office hopefully wouldn't hear my every word. and me, being the girl that i am, did begin to cry just a little. i hung up and turned to blow my nose when my boss and my supervisor walked up behind me, discussing something pertaining to the file cabinets against the wall behind me. here i am, crying and wiping snot from my nose at my desk. i didn't really want them to see me... as i am a full time employee and supposed to be grown-up this summer. i decided to make a break for the mail room because from there i could make it to the bathroom with a very small likelihood of being seen. as i turned to get up from my chair however, my boss and superviser took a step forward and i ran into them quite literally. "are you okay?" they asked. and of course my tears started coming harder at that question. "i think you need to go home," they told me. "you have sick leave."

me, the wimpering sickie that i was replied in this grown up fashion: "okay, i think i'll call my mom."

so much for being all grown up.

happy 4th of July

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 01:18:36 GMT

our friend nicolas from france is staying with us for a few weeks. here's our 4th of July with him.

voy a mexico!!

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 02:30:56 GMT

my heart is full. i'm going back to mexico.

i'm going to burn in the heat. i'm going to come back with blisters on my hands. i'm going be so sore that i won't know what to do with myself. and i can't wait.

my spanish is bad. i'm out of practice. i'm not going to be able to understand anyone. i'm so excited.

my heart is going to break when we leave to come back to the states. i'm going to feel like i'm being torn in two. yet, i get to be there for a few short days. i can hardly believe it.

i'm going with a local church, and officially we're going with the casas por cristo organization. there are 49 going; two teams of 16 and one team of 17. i believe the goal is to build three houses while we're there. we leave tomorrow night, and we get back early in the morning next saturday.

please pray for us! God is good, and i didn't even need to raise money for this trip. but i covet your prayers!
     - for our safety on the trip down and back [12 hours each way in a bus at night]
     - for our safety while there. there's a lot of fighting between the police and the drug lords. we're not going to any markets [traditional mission trip last day] to stay away from it all.
     - that we would be a witness for Christ while we are there with our attitudes and actions.
     - that we would accomplish what we are setting out to do.
     - that we would be smart and not have any unnecessary emergencies [such as someone becoming dehydrated because they chose not to drink enough water]
     - for mom, colin and cade as they leave at 7 in the morning to go to missouri for a week also doing construction projects with world changers.
     - for dad and colby as they're here without all of us.

thank you! i'll see you when i get back!

life's too short to try to make sense

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 02:22:23 GMT

i threw out 4 file cabinets full of files yesterday. filled up 4 ginormous trashcans. they were so heavy that i could hang onto the handles of the trashcan and bounce around and they wouldn't budge.

i tried on men's jeans tonight. how in the world am i supposed to build houses next week in mexico wearing flare jeans? of course, men's jeans don't fit either... in other words, i'm going to be miserable in the heat.

ps. i'm going to mexico on saturday to build houses. i can't wait!!!

i need work gloves.
and a tan, 'cause i'm gonna burn.
and a bike. not for mexico, for me.
i think i've picked out the one i want. woohoo.

ted dekker books give me nightmares if i read them within a few hours of bed. weird. i know.
i have very vivid dreams.
i often wake up from my dreams in fear. i don't think that's a good thing.

i'm terrified that i'm going to do something stupid and get myself fired. then the government will be after me for a very long time. that scares me, too.

5:50 in the morning comes very early.
i currently live in a swamp. well, not i, but most of kansas.

i get to speak only spanish in three days!

the other night at my mexico meeting i looked down and realized i probably should have shaved my legs before i went. or put on long pants instead of basketball shorts. it was a little awkward because i wasn't sure who else noticed. do you ever do that? all of a sudden realize you totally forgot to do something that could be considered pretty important?

i've only gotten cussed at once at work, though people tend to swear under their breath a lot. they usually hate me before they even come in. most people have already decided that the government is evil before they walk in the door. it's my job to give them a glimmer of hope that there may, in fact, be one single person who actually cares about them at all AND works for the government: me. although, i have to admit that when they start to get angry and don't listen to me and start yelling at me, it makes me not care to help them quite so much.

i love the piano. and all music.
i cannot wait to get my bike.

i have the cutest nephew in the entire world.
and some of the most amazing friends.

sleep and me = good friends.

i wonder what kind of crazy people will come into the office tomorrow?
i think the tips of my thumbs are getting calloused from hitting the spacebar so many times.

if my computer at work freaks out one more time, i may throw it out the window. i wonder if that would get me fired?
even with all the technological difficulties that happen every other day, and the sometimes not so happy people, i really like my job.

if you have my phone number, you should probably call me or text me. i don't have time to return your phonecall, but it's nice to know someone thought of me. lol. that was definitely a "feel sorry for me" ploy. did it work?

okay. it's past my bedtime. goodnight!

an update?

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 02:56:38 GMT

it seems that all of the ideas i have for posting are just going to have to remain in my head for the time being. learning/doing my new job takes a lot of mental energy. when I get home from work i have no energy for posting, running, talking, listening, or anything that i love to do. weird, i know... but i've never had a full-time job before. and i'm still learning to deal. so while this newfound exhaustion continues, here's a few pics just to show you what i've been up to. saves me from telling you all about it.

these first two pics are back from the end of april, the end of the school year, and the end of my job as an r.a. this was one of our last activities [and yes, i'm aware i have waaaay too much eye-make up on].

[chan and han]

[all the r.a's]

[my suite, one last time]

i got home from school on sunday night, and started my job at eight on monday morning. then that weekend we went to denver for hunter & jesse's wedding!

[hunter & jesse]

[hunter and her groomsmen]

[cade and i during the wedding]

[colin and i at the reception]

[chan and mack]

[first dance]

[more dancing]

[cousins]

i've gotten to spend time with my nephew, too!

[titus and chan]

and i've gone golfing for the first time... well... at least to the driving range. [great form, i know]

well... at least you all now know that i'm still around. don't worry, i'm still reading blogs... i just haven't had a chance to update my own. right now i'm going to go crash, so that hopefully i will have enough energy to make it through tomorrow without a nap. 'night!